Job: Chapters 16-17

Job Replies: Miserable Comforters Are You | Where Then Is My Hope?

Shenandoah National Park | Virginia

I have already heard what you are saying and have received it, where is the comfort in your words? It isn't there, nor do you mean to be comforting. Will you ever stop speaking out against me? What is working within you that provokes a response of despair? If roles were reversed, and I looked into your eyes and saw the pain and misery I currently endure, I could join with the others and break you down whilst pridefully shaking my head at your failures. I could build you up with my words and strengthen your brokenness. I wish you would encourage me, as I hope I would do for you in your time of need. If I talk about where I am currently, I am discouraged and my pain does not become lessened. If I stay silent about my predicament, I find no solace nor comfort in it. What am I supposed to do? I am wired, I am worn, my shoulders are being weighed down and I can no longer bear this burden. God has turned all my company against me and no longer do any of you support me in a helpful way. He has broken my body down to its very core and I have been whittled away as a carpenter cuts at a block of wood. Yet, I have not been perfected into something beautiful, I am not a piece of art, I am hideous to behold and not worthy of anything but to be cast aside like trash. I was living a life of ease, then God came and seized me and has thrashed me again and again. He destroyed all that I was and has condemned me to a life of suffering. I have wept for such a long time that it is normal, my face is red with pain and tears, I no longer resemble the man I once was. Darkness prevails where light once did, even though I have no violence in me. I pray to God that He would be my witness and testify for me and not against me. I plead my case and wish that others would do the same for me. My final days are approaching and I shall go away to the place where none return from and my life will be complete.

Not only is my body broken, but my spirit is also as well. My path leads only to the grave, my days are complete and I merely await the coming of my death. Clearly, there are many who mock me and my gaze is turned toward them as they break me down with their words and judgment. How long must I continue to be immersed in their rude behavior? I beg you, Lord. Show your support for me in a public way, write it in big bold print and send it signed: God. Who else will defend me if not you? You have closed the door to their hearts without allowing them to understand my calamity and have led them astray in their beliefs. Their children will remember this betrayal and be lesser for the actions of their fathers, do you want that? Everyone who looks on me now trusts me not, they see me as a sinner who is without saving and shall be condemned to hell. I am nothing but the physical body that you gave me, Lord. I am covered in shame from head to toe, I am no longer considered a man that has a spirit of the Lord within me, I am nothing but a hell-bound sinner who has betrayed the God Almighty. Those with reputation spit on me, they turn their back on me, those who consider themselves upright are appalled at what is happening to me because in their meek minds they believe that I have brought this upon myself. Who is truly righteous among us all? Really! Someone, who is man, shows me his righteousness before God and proves that you are pure. Call on God to send an angel who can prove someone's righteousness, I dare you. We will not find a wise man among all of you. The desires of my heart are no longer attainable, all my plans have been cast into the depths of the sea and cannot be returned to me, I no longer can decipher between what is darkness and what is light. If I cast out all hope and attempt to pray for a royal burial, what other hope do I have but to be six feet under and live the remainder of my days amongst the worms, where is the hope in this? If I allow death to become my ultimate hope, where is the hope? I see no hope in any of these options. I see no glory in death for my case.

Job 17:11 - "My days are past; my plans are broken off, the desires of my heart." | I resonate with this sentiment very closely at the current time in my life. I feel as though I have come to a place where I can no longer make plans and pursue the desires of my heart for a lack of knowing whether or not I have a future. Yes, everyone says you should plan for the future regardless of your circumstances. However, I don't believe that those people were in the current predicament I find myself in today. It is easy to say things like that when life is good and you have no thorns in the flesh if you will. I do everything I can to put cancer on the back-burner and pursue things like a relationship or continue with rock climbing as I did before, or hike mountains, enjoy friendships, etc. But, there is a stigma to all these things, there is an inescapable underlying knowledge and aroma in the air that is contaminated and cannot be overcome, I have stage IVb metastatic melanoma and the odds of me seeing many more years is highly unlikely. How do you continue to live normally within that environment? I do everything I can to do it, but it isn't realistic. I recall 27 years and 6 months of time where the idea of cancer, or dying, never even had a millisecond within my thoughts. Now, I cannot escape these thoughts even when I sleep. I lay my head down and it is before me, I wake in the morning and it is as if I never slept, the fog covers me without seizing. I know the foundational truths that God promises me, I know how much He loves me, I know that my afflictions are eclipsed by His glory, but I do not know how to release the grip that my hands, mind, and heart have on my disease. 

Dear Lord, I pray that you would give me the strength to overcome this disease. I hope that you will continue to grant my doctors and consultants the knowledge to be able to attack my cancer in a way that will work and be able to destroy those cells. Be by my side during this time and be my shield against other sins in my life that try to creep back into my heart. Guard my heart against worldly things and set in me a perspective beyond this world. Amen. 

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