Job: Chapter 10

Job Continues: A Plea to God

Garden of the gods | Colorado Springs, CO

I have been reading Job 10 for almost a month now. I have been avoiding writing about it for the fear that I too have become very bitter in my heart towards God. The beauty of being openly angry with God shows that we are being open and honest with Him - we should know that being angry at God merely shows our lack of trust in Him, He is therefore I can be, He is everything and knows everything - thus we know we can always trust Him because He knows all things, created all things, so on and so forth.

I hate everything that is happening. My complaints are justified and I do not deserve the life that has transpired during this most recent time in my life. Not only do I feel this bitterness in my soul, not only does it show through my body and mind but I will speak it loudly. Do not continue to turn away from me, tell me why you are angry towards me. Are these things good that you have allowed? You have only turned your work, that is me and my family, and how we reflected the light of your holiness, into a mockery of life. We are broken and dead. Wandering this life naked and afraid, unaware of the transgression's backbone and the why behind it all. Why are you favoring the ways of the wicked? Are you not the Holy God? Alpha and Omega? Or do you see as man sees only with eyes of flesh? Aren't you the one who created all things? Why do you search the days of my life and find the sin which I have repented of as I am called to do? In your hands I was molded and created - by the work of your hands I am now destroyed, how is this glorifying you? You built me cell by cell, bone by bone, muscle by muscle, you allowed my heart to beat and pump the blood through my veins, you keep every synapse in my brain functioning and give me the pure feeling of emotion, you created the earth and asked me to cultivate it for your glory, you gave me life and showed me your steadfast love, until now. Now, you hide from me, you are always watching for me to sin and then you do not forgive me for my absent thought of you and future glory. I cannot escape my sin, it is at the forefront of my mind, why do you allow it to weigh on me so? Even if I were to lift my head and press on you would hunt me down and remind me of how I have failed. You are constantly reloading your ammunition and shooting me down, you find new things to charge me with daily, you renew your vengeance in the night as I try to lay my head down.

Why did you even allow me to be born? I would rather never have existed, I long to have died in the womb and never be seen. Aren't my days few in your eyes? Do you not see my whole life played out before you without time? If this is true, leave me alone! Allow me to die in peace and the slightest bit of cheer knowing that you are no longing to bring grief upon me. The land of darkness is upon me and I cannot escape it. Let me be, that I might find solace in the fact that I am out of your gripping hands of death.

Well, Job… I must admit that I cannot fully comprehend these words you write or how bold you were to say such things to God. I am a coward, I cannot speak these words to God, I can only hide them in my heart and mind while I falsely speak of Faith in Him during my trials. It is something that I can cry out to Him in the darkness of my enduring through this trial, but it isn't as honest as your words. The reality is that I cannot call God out for fear of Him due to my doubt of His sovereign grace. I do not fully believe that I am forgiven for my sins, thus I believe performance is key to my salvation, this is false and should be seen as such. However, my mind, heart, and soul are not on the same page with this idea. I could sit here and type out that I fully trust and believe your plan is the best one for me, but I don't. I do not fully trust you with my life and the current circumstances reveal that in my heart.

Dear Lord, restore the bitterness of my heart and turn my eyes to the truth that all things will work together for my good and your glory. Show me but a glimpse of the future glory that is in store for me, whether it is on earth or in Heaven. Reveal to me the enormity of your son's death on the cross and how it saves my soul which is shipwrecked without hope outside of Him. Ensure in my soul the saving grace and restore my mind to you. Allow me to enter your presence daily with the ratification that you are my Father. Amen. 

All images © 2015 - 2021 Jordan Tackett